Jack and friends went to a club
And drank a pail of Jager
Jack saw Jane
And went insane
He put his mack down on her
But Jack didn’t see
That Jane stands up to pee
The drunks went home together
But come a.m.
She wasn’t femme
And Jack stopped drinking forever.

To all the drag queens of the world, I apologize for ruining your mirage, but today I’m looking out for the guys. So guys, I figure you have enough to worry about when hitting on a girl. Like, maybe she has a huge boyfriend or some sort of disease that girls have. Maybe it never crosses your mind that she might perhaps be a he. Just in case that happens, here are some general rules to live by:

1) Everyone knows about the Adam’s apple. However, the crafty drag queen will try to cover it up with a choker necklace or turtleneck. So a good rule of thumb is to stay away from girls with thick necklaces or high-collared shirts. In fact, if the neck isn’t exposed, she’s got to go.

(2) Cleavage. I’m positive that your eyes wander to that forbidden region at least five times in a conversation so take heed. Bump into her or sniff around a bit near that area — pretending you dropped something might work. If you smell gym socks or feel the pleasant sensation of Jell-O-filled balloons, high tail it out of there — unless, of course, that’s your thing.

3) Female features. If her voice is deeper than yours or her beard grows in better, then you can pretty much check them off the list unless she is a 40-year-old chainsmoker or a bearded lady.

4) Basic body structure. Real women come in all shapes and sizes, and even I appreciate that. However, large shoulders, small hips, hairy toes and ruddy hands should trigger alarms in your head because she is either a man or has been pulling a tractor all of her life.

Keep in mind that drag queens are fragile creatures who wish you no harm.

Subject B, in the above graphic, who sometimes frequents straight bars, said, “I am always honest when straight guys hit on me. I don’t set out to make them look like fools, and normally, I just chalk it up to flattery, and they chalk it up to alcohol.”

In closing, it is important to remember that it takes all kinds. It’s all good, whether you like girls, boys, drag queens, drywall or single-celled organisms. However, to forego any embarrassing moments for you guys, just follow these rules and you should be all right. And for those skeptics who don’t think it could happen to them, Subject D is the only authentic girl. But now that you are all accredited drag queen detectors, I’m sure you already knew that.